My Blog

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

Letting go of something/someone you truly treasure and then you know you will be stronger than what you think you are.

So I am letting go of everything that I feel for.

Truth be told - I am so god damn scared to jump into something that will break my heart in the future, be it near or far. Even though it looks promising and bright. . . Sighs . . .I dont know why I feel like letting that go too … Maybe he’s better off with his current Beau. She will change to be a better person and everything will work out fine.

I rather be single and free … No heartbreaks and pain.

Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. This person is one you could forever talk to. They understand you in a way that no one else does or ever could. This person is your soul mate, your best friend. Don’t ever let them go, for they are your guardian angel sent from heaven up above.

I met an angel. A guardian angel. Such a sweet angel. But then I asked myself what do I really want from this angel. I asked myself where does this angel stand in my heart.

What I want is HOPE. The hope that he can make me happy and contented in life by being by his side.

Where he stands is - definitely deep in my heart. Sealed with a kiss. Unless he wants to break free, I’ll keep him there.

I hope its not jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Love comes to those who still hope although they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe although they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love although they’ve been hurt before.

There was this girl I know who is so happy-go-lucky on the surface, always putting up a bravefront and not letting her guard down at anytime … Until one day she found someone …

This someone had beautiful gorgeous brown eyes that look deep in her soul. This someone made her flustered alot of times. This someone made her blushed so many times.This someone made her feel at ease but yet nervous. She wonders how he does it…

She’s afraid to step into something that she would regret months or years down the road. But she’s also afraid that if she did not even make an attempt, this opportunity would be lost forever.

And so decides …

If ever you remember me, I’ll be thankful. If ever your lips meets mine, I’ll be grateful. If ever we fall in love, I’ll be happy. If ever we fall apart, I’ll be sorry.

And she continues …

I don’t need anyone to take advantage of my weaknesses or my strengths, I need someone who will appreciate me for everything that I am.

Our relationship can be best described as a crumpled piece of paper; no matter how hard you try to straighten it out, it’ll never take on its true form.

Its just too far deep in the relationship to make amendments. Its so over. And I am so over you wanting me wanting you…

The worst pain in the world is knowing that he meant everything to you but you meant nothing to him. But, life goes on once you realize your own strength inside of you: the strength to realize that saying goodbye doesn’t mean that you don’t love the person anymore or that you don’t want to keep them in your life. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means that you’ve the strength to let go and live your life to the fullest because you’ve learned that life really is good. You are strong and can only be as happy as you choose.

I’ll choose the destiny of my own life. Be it with someone or alone. Either ways I will still live the life I want to… The travelling, the holidays, the adventure trips, the outdoor activities … No constraints no holdaing back and no more worrying someone would be unhappy.

I want to write my feelings out, I want to pour my heart out, but I can’t find the exact words to describe my situation …

I feel lost but relieved of a huge burden.

I feel sad when a door closes on me but pleased when another opens up to a bundle of joy.

I feel down but I’m looking forward to a brand new day tomoro and the day after and the day after and the day after.

3 words - Life Goes On.

Don’t read too much into this blog. Only I understand.

"One day you’ll love me, the way I loved you. One day you’ll think of me the way I thought of you. One day you’ll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you’ll want me, but I won’t want you."

I am absolutely disgusted his blood runs in my veins.

Period.

I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams.

I stand for my OWN freedom of expression, doing what I believe in, and going after MY own dreams!

And I can’t do that having someone holding me a PRISONER in my own LIFE!

Set me free!!!! Let me go!!!! I want to be free & happy !!!!

Its painful to see someone you love being happy with someone else. But its totally heart-wrenching, heart ripping, guilt-ridden when someone you love is NOT happy with you.

Can you feeeel the above-mentioned quote?

It hurts doesn’t it?

I wouldn’t want someone I love so much to be hurting and aching and not be happy with ME. But what if I AM THAT SOMEONE and doesn’t he realised that I am not the LEAST happy for now?

What do I have to do? To lie to him so I can go out and have my fun and be happy? To fake and make things up so I can do my own HAPPY things?

Do I really have to resort to such measures…

Am I REDUCED to such despicable measures…

Maybe that’s the only way which I can try to have the "best of both worlds". Which are my friends/happiness and Him.

Pathetic.

What makes people happy is activity; changing evil itself into good by power, working in a God like manner.

If I can FEEL happy just by watching a friend wakeboard, what if I try it on myself eh?

I will do just that next week when I get better from this fever and bad sore throat.

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If you must be wondering, why am I so sad?

Its just sometimes, when you’re with someone for 2 years and 3 months and 14 days, that person feels that he has a RIGHT over my life, my friends and my freedom.

Look. We have been over this sooo many donkey times, and he said "Yeah fine go out with your friends."

And when night comes and I don’t do just the one thing that he asked me to do, he said "So You’re not too tired to go out with your friend and you’re too tired to sleep over at my house?"

Look dude. I had a fever of 39.6deg, and I am still coughing so bad, sometimes I got blood in my mucus, my throat feels like it just gave birth to a 21inch pizza and my medication are at home! I dont want to sleep in my contact lens because I dont wanna have infections for that! And all he got to say was "Okay, you have your friends now you don’t need me anymore."

What the FUCK! (A small matter blown out of proportion, as always)

What has it got to do with my friend?!

All we did was just go around town, in her car!

Oh yeah and that! He had to rake it up about HER having a nice car and him just having a pathetic bike! For God’s sake! What do I look like? A freeloader who wants free rides in nice cars everyday?! Puh-Lease!!! I would get one if I wanted it so bad!!!

There’s no way I can explain things to him because he NEVER tries to understand. Jeeeez!

"Okay I going out on Fri night with my friends and Saturday I’ve got soccer, you don’t be angry that I am not spending time with you!" he claimed in the end.

Hell, no way! I am soooooooo glad, and you don’t know how ecstatic I am, I will kiss that friend of his who invited him out on Fri night and the whole Football team ok !!!

Too much of each other is just TOO MUCH!

So you see my qualms. I am trying to be happy and its sad that I am seeking happiness without him around because with him, its difficult to ever be happy for more than an HOUR. I truly am upset. I hope the situation improves but for now. I’ll just leave it. He won’t heed my advice or words anyway.

Please Please Please dont get me wrong. I do love him. I really do. But ……. I hope its just a phase of my life that would pass by quickly …..

Please …. Just let me be. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.

If anything good ever comes out of this blog, I’ll buy my friends’ dinner @ Equinox. But I know it wont. He doesn’t read shit like this and i can never knock sense in him. I may have my own faults but …. I am just a girl who wants to be HAPPY. Is it that hard?

(Its painful to see someone you love being happy with someone else. But its totally heart-wrenching, heart ripping, guilt-ridden when someone you love is NOT happy with you.)

Sometimes God gives us problem so that we go through the battle and we emerge being stronger and more mature.

But have you wondered why sometimes he gives us ALL the worries at a go? Like now?

Is it to test my threshold of pain and distress?

Or is it just fated to be this way and then I have to find a solution for the mess myself? If its fated, can you fast forward my life because I want to see what I did right or going to do wrong in future, because I for sure as hell cannot afford to make a simple mistake.

Life is like that lah huh. Throw all the shit to the fan and see which is stuck.

Throw all the troubles to me and see if i can solve every single piece of it? And then learn? What, have I not learnt enough!

Last time in school, after school in fact, I used to hang out at Northpoint in sch attire and watch boys. I outgrew that. Now I let them watch me. Tee Hee Hee.

Last time in tertiary, I used every opportunity to stay out late and used tons of excuses so I can hang out at clubs every wed and sat so I can be seen as COOL. I outgrew that. Now you’re lucky if I pay my respect to the clubs twice a month.

Last time I had troubles I ran to Mak or I simply ran away from it, not wanting to solve and cross my fingers so that it would go away! Well … I did not really outgrew that. In fact the problems outgrew me! Its bigger, worse and unsolvable! Why can’t the one thing that HAVE TO GO AWAY go away for once! I did not invite trouble, so why did trouble come to me ……..