My Blog

I lay here in the dark thinking of how a heart which is not whole to begin with got heartbroken.

How do you break that heart? Its already shattered. You pick it up one by one. Gently you fix them back together. Although its halfway fixed, one can still see the lines of hurt in between. The scars of painful memory. It will not heal, it will not recover. And then halfway you decide its not worth it. So you throw it away. And then you tramp on those small little broken pieces heartlessly…

Truthfully I don’t even know how to continue this blog … Who its meant for … And how its helping me in any way at all …

You’ll never
understand why I hurt so much because you’re not the one who is crying,
you’re not the one who is left behind, you’re not the one who loved too
much and you’re not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone…

Self-acceptance comes
from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your
trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from
your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems,
but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in
denial, but in victory.

It’s surprising how
many people go through life without ever recognizing that their
feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings
toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you
can’t be comfortable with others.

There is no use
whatever trying to help people who do not help themselves. You cannot
push anyone up a ladder unless he be willing to climb himself.

Traveling is not just seeing the new; it is also leaving behind.

Not just opening doors; also closing them behind you, never to return.

But the place you have left forever is always there for you to see whenever you shut your eyes. 

Boracay, Philippines has left me with a mixed feelings.

I would return to boracay but stay on my own doing my own things, spending my own time to myself without having to succumb to someone else’s itinerary ….

Its funny how i love the place and  how i USED to love the company but at that moment… I just love the place but not the company anymore.

And the people there are not as hospitable as the Thais. But its pretty biased based on the fact i been to various parts of thailand 4x and Philippines only once.  So hmm .. not so fair to pass my judgement yet…

Maybe I’ll return to Manila one more time… I’ll give them another chance but dont ask me when. Knowing me, I might just pop by anytime *winks* gotta bring cup noddles though, cuz they love pork!

How do you maintain a platonic relationship with someone you love and want so much but yet you can’t have?

Do you know how hard it is to say "Okay we’ll be friends" but still pretend that everything is alright? To know that we can’t be together despite it all but afraid of totally losing each other, we still hold on and be FRIENDS.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be and not meant to be.

When one realizes that his life is worthless, he either commits suicide or travels. - Edward Dahlberg

And so when i am not needed everywhere, my advise fell on deaf ears and my sacrifices went unnoticed by family friends and loved ONE, I decided to disappear.

I had 2 choices or lets say MODE OF DISAPPEARING - suicide or travel, as Dahlberg said.

I chose travel. I value life too much.

And so an hour or two on the internet, booking and reservation-ing and I am all ready to pack my bag!

The next day or the next thing I remember, I am having breakfast at Siem Reap, Cambodia. Some Kway Teow Egg and juice (more like cordial) and coffee. BEAUTIFUL coffee. Just in time to wake me up.

Journeys, like artists, are born and not made. A thousand differing circumstances contribute to them, few of them willed or determined by the will –whatever we may think. - Laurence Durrell

And so what circumstances led me to such harsh decision? Read the 1st paragraph! I’ll just pack up and GO GO GO! (How appropriate Huda, Thanks for this line.)

Its a long story to narrate and so i’ll just leave it as such. Just enjoy my pictures ….

*If u ask me, WHY CAMBODIA? Well lets just say I had to colour one more country on my world map (denotes where i have travelled) just to fill in the Asia continent quickly! Well, not really. I been to Thai many times, Bali (too scary for single traveller) or Bintan/Batam (too near) so I decided hey … why not visit a country where its rich in history and maybe something different than my usual BEACH destination… I like and I dislike it. Like the fact that its history and culture is sooo rich, richer than the chicken masala gravy i had for dinner. Dislike the fact that it had no beach. Even if there’s a swimming pool, I definitely would love it. I try to prove myself wrong by going to a place where there’s no beach, thinking "hmmmm its just travelling i dont really need a beach" but its true i cant live without a beach. Or even a pool for a matter of fact. LOL!

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

*Refer to "Follow Your Heart" blog post.

Can’t explain more.

Torn. Tattered. Everywhere.

Yeah well, its more of a mental test rather than a WORK assignment to see where we are in life, our JOY FACTOR, what makes us happy and what we know we excel in the most (without stating if its being appreciated or not) …..

After all the sighing and grunting and moaning about this silly little task, when I finally put my head into it, I realised that this task has "RESET" me back on track to my life goals. 

Sometimes I think too much about making my daily sales goal, 5 BPs, 6 Apts, 25 referrals that I forgot WHY I am doing this and what do I get in the long (or short) run out of this job.

Or sometimes I just get plain lazy and start blaming circumstances, situations, people around me when its going downhill.

When I know for the fact that its only ME, its only I can make myself feel fulfilled, can make myself live my life fully. Its not the circumstances or people around me or situation that should affect me. Amidst all the chaos, if I can find HAPPINESS then i am truly a ’survivor’.

My Joy factor was when I was in Victoria Bay on a Police Coast Guard ship overlooking the sky high buildings of HongKong. I felt at peace and unashamedly powerful at the same time. I can see everything in one angle, the bay, the sky, the land, the buildings, the boats and the roads…. I FELT BIG!

My Joy factor was when I was 6 feet under Tioman Island, inhaling the pure Oxygen watching the fishes and corals who had no qualms and worries in the world. Who didn’t have to fight hard everyday to meet their daily sales goal. The only thing I heard was my own breathing, without a care in the world what happens on land. Just enjoying the beauty of nature.

My Joy factor was when NCC brought me up this mountain & lake place in HK, which i shamely regret forgetting its name. To stand up from this chair and look back into my 2001 diary will take up too much energy so I am just going to go on. heh. There I was standing on top of this BIG GREEN MOUNTAIN and all i can see around are greens or blues (lakes). IT WAS BBBBBBBBBEAUTIFULLL! I wish I could be here everyday for my solitude moment. No buildings. No cars. Well except 1 in every 5 hours. (Its a good thing going there as a cadet not as tourist you get to see many places beyond HK famous shopping factoR)

There are so many more joy factors BUT guess what none of them I found in Singapore!

So what does it mean huh ………….

This is a fine nice city but maybe its just the stereotype thinking "the grass is greener on the other side" …

I NEED to find some HAPPY place in Singapore, some place where I can proudly announce to the world "hey one of my joy factor was when I was in this place in s ingapore ……."

Till then, i will be searching …….

shit its only 647km2

As I remember the times we spend besides the lake,
I just wonder, was it love or was the feeling fake?

Sharing my love to someone else is not my case,
So I hide my broken heart beneath a laughing face.